Finding kindness in rejection

Unemployment is difficult. For many of us, our work helps to define us. It provides direction and purpose, and it is a big part of who we are. Being without that is simply difficult.

Having been away from it, I also see that it can cloud our views. We become so busy with work, that we have to operate on auto-pilot in order to get everything done that needs to be done. On autopilot, though, we too often don't have the time (or, perhaps, inclination) to see the view. To stop and think about who we are, what we are, why we are and what is really important.

I've discovered that unemployment provides a much-needed course correction. With what seems like unlimited time on my hands, I find I spend a lot of time thinking about things that I never made time to worry about before.

Most specifically: the importance of kindness in the workplace.

I always thought I was a kind person.I say "please" and "thank you." I tip generously. I express gratitude, pick an angel from the tree at the holidays, help people reach the top shelf in the grocery store, chip in outside of my department at work. Just general kindness.

But I think now that my kindness is largely a habit. It is muscle memory instead of something that I do deliberately.

Being unemployed amplifies kindness and, frankly, lack of kindness, especially in business. While I don't think that people intend to be cruel, I do think that they can be unintentionally dismissive to business associates, and that can seem very cruel.

Take rejection, for example. In any place or scenario, rejection hurts, right? We tie our self-worth directly to acceptance, so when we are laid off, or we are rejected for a job, it hurts.

Some hurts are worse than others, however.

For example, I sent resumes to four companies at which I had strong connections. While I certainly don't think that, alone, merits me landing an interview, I do think that it merits a response. Any response. An email, a call, a kind rejection. Anything. But with three, I got nothing at all. No acknowledgement. No response.

That feels unkind to me and disrespectful to my connection.

I've also had several interviews, even second interviews on some. But then nothing. No email, no call. No response to my follow-up emails. Nothing.I really don't mind the rejection, but I have to wonder how much it would cost the companies to end the waiting and simply to reply.

I say this not to complain, but because I understand both sides. I am embarrassed to remember one of my own failures. I interviewed a person for a job. She was a good candidate, but I ended up hiring from within. I never called and let her know. I can make a hundred excuses: I got super busy. We were in the middle of a move. It was report season. The semester was ending. But none of them are good excuses. Then, two months had passed and I was too embarrassed to call her. My failure to contact her and to let her know that we would not be hiring her was patently unkind. And unprofessional. And I am ashamed.

We can do better.

Case in point: I recently got an email from an employer that was a rejection, but it actually made me smile.

Dear Sandie:

Thanks for your interest in the Communications Manager position at our company. We ended up moving forward with another candidate, but we’d like to thank you for giving us the opportunity to learn about your skills and accomplishments.

 

I am sorry for the disappointing news. Best of luck in your job search.

This email was so human. So personal. So KIND.

Perhaps this is the recruiter's rejection boilerplate, but, as a receiver, that doesn't matter. It took her seconds to simply acknowledge that a human submitted a resume and that a human would be receiving the rejection.

And that is kindness.

Recently, I followed up after another second interview. Within an hour, I received an email from one of the partners at the firm who apologized for the delay and let me know that they are still making decisions.

Again, writing the email took her seconds, but from a receiver's standpoint, that writing is kindness. She acknowledged that a human being wrote an email, and she responded. A simple response that means a lot to me as a receiver, regardless of whether or not I land the job.

I saw a meme on social media a couple of weeks ago. It said, "if you have the chance to be kind, be kind."

That resonated with me. How often have I had the opportunity to be kind without acting on it? How often would a smile, an email, a recognition have meant the world to someone? How many opportunities to be kind did I pass up? I certainly passed up one when I failed to contact the job applicant.

Thoreau advised us to "live deliberately." To think before we act, and to act according to our own consciences.  Behaving kindly is not something we should do out of habit. It is something we should do deliberately because it elevates not only the recipient but it also elevates us.

In the workplace, perhaps we can all try to remember our own experiences when we wish someone had been kind. Or when we regret that we were not. Perhaps we can forgive a coworker for a mistake. Or we can offer praise when we can. Perhaps when we respond to people, we can realize that our responses might make a big difference to them while costing us very little.

I hope this lesson is one that I carry with me into the future. If I can become a better manager, or better coworker, or if I can become more kind, then I believe that this difficult period of unemployment will have been well worth it.